The Resignation by Jainendra

Author:Jainendra [Jainendra]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9788184756302
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2012-03-19T00:00:00+00:00

6.

I could not fall asleep there. I was in turmoil. How should I react to the story I had heard? I couldn’t deal with it. The only solution was that I should slip away from under it and return to my own world where the value of things was fixed and where there were no complicated messes. That world where the path had been laid straight and clear and where there was no need to search for oneself, where inquiry was not necessary and a question indicated disrespect.

What do I make of this Bua? What, in this little room of hers, can I make my own? Everything is upside down here. A woman who has left her husband, and is living here in wicked adultery, talks of the duties of a wife towards her husband, while listening to her is me, a young, educated man who does not revile her, reproach her but instead finds himself drawn even more to her. Oh, this is intolerable!

This is absolutely wrong, completely wrong. I will leave; I will not stay here. Bua will not come home with me—I have seen that now. I can’t take her home. Can I turn her from her path even a little? I don’t know. Perhaps I can do nothing; she won’t let me. Her mind works in a manner that is perverse, contrary. She doesn’t want to change, so why should I try to reform her? And what’s more, I began to wonder whether it was she who needed to reform, or I! This doubt was unbearable. I, a young man studying for my BA, lived in a world of lofty ideals—I looked upwards, and was filled with the importance of my ideals. I considered anything that varied even a little from those high standards to be inferior, unworthy—I didn’t want to know that there could be some truth here too. And, having come to know, I didn’t want to accept it, endure it. After all, I wanted to become important, great. I rose suddenly. One by one, I picked up and folded the clothes that had been used to make up my bed, and laid them in a neat pile. I wondered whether there was anything else I could do to tidy this room, but I couldn’t think of anything—everything was in its proper place. Should I sweep the already clean room once more? There is no harm in that, I thought, and putting on my shoes and tying their laces, I picked up a broom and began to do just that. I couldn’t find the courage to just go away quietly without further ado—after all, it is necessary to lighten the debt of one’s heart, or else it feels too heavy. But I had just about finished sweeping the room, when Bua returned. I became embarrassed, and quickly threw away the broom and stood there as though I was completely innocent and had been put in the dock by mistake.

‘Pramod, what are you doing? Are you leaving right now? You didn’t take a nap?’

‘Yes, I should leave now.

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